Johnny Harter:

As Jonny is such an influential member of the squad, we thought it only right to give him his own article, just so the world knows he exists (and because he requested it).

But just what can you say about such a boy prodigy, such an idol, such a mind-boggling example of homosapien life. Jonny epitomises the very things that all mankind aspire to, the absolute summit of achievement, the one, if you will entertain such a notion, whose sheer mintness suggests impending doom for those who attempt to equal him.

Jonny Harter is this century’s Ghandi, 2006’s Count Duckula, the common man’s Sundance the Kid. Legends will be written about him, bedtime stories told to great grandchildren, he’ll be played by Boy George’s nephew in a channel 5 documentary. The man will truly live forever.

Jonny could be described as graceful, elegant, rugged, awesome, even handsome! He could be described as those things… but never has been…

Of course, in reality, Jonny is 16, tall, thin, and has unfortunately just lost his luscious long locks, the source of all his power. But to give an example of his sheer genius, one of the first times I met him he was rolling around a sports hall like James Bond, brandishing a rather threatening spud-gun. And if I could dunk like him I’d be loving it!

The actual real honest best thing about Mr Harter, is actually…hhmmm…anyway…